What did I do wrong!? It had to be something. I’m only 35 years old. I’ve heard about people as young, or younger, than me with cancer in TV ads, but not me. This should not be part of my reality. I must have done something really wrong to deserve this.
And it’s not just that I have cancer. Yet, every time I go for another test, another biopsy, another scan, the diagnosis is worse than it was the day before. What did I do?! Whatever it is, it must have been really bad.
For the 2 months after my initial diagnosis, this is all that went through my head. I blamed myself (irrational, I know) and assumed I did something wrong. I was embarrassed to be diagnosed with breast cancer at such a young (to me) age. The fewer people who knew, the better. I didn’t want people judging me for having breast cancer. Most importantly, I didn’t want anyone to pity me or treat me any differently than they had before.
So I only told those who had to know. Only those people at work who had to know (thank God for HIPAA, right!?) I didn’t even tell my father for weeks. And even after 2 rounds of chemo and now wore a wig, I didn’t tell anyone at work. Let them think what they want about my “new” hair style. And my friends? There were very few that I told at the outset.
And then it happened. A colleague confronted me one day at work. Turns out all the doctors’ appointments I had been going to and my “new” hairstyle weren’t that subtle. But it also turns out that I was wrong. Very wrong.
I quickly learned that no one thought any less of me. I had no reason to be embarrassed. No one pitied me. They just cared. And they wanted to know what they could do to help, how they could best support me and my family. And it wasn’t just my friends. It was everyone. Co-workers, colleagues, even random people on the street who just wanted to offer words of comfort and support.
Don’t get me wrong. There will always be assholes out there. I worked with one person who thought I shouldn’t be allowed to come into the office. I was “throwing cancer in everyone’s face.” And who was to say that I couldn’t give it to someone in the office. The reality is that they aren’t really assholes. They are scared and you just happen to bring their insecurities to the forefront.
And here is my lesson for this week: Getting cancer is NOT your fault. Do not feel embarrassed or ashamed. Having breast cancer doesn’t make you any less of a person. You are still wonderful you. And all of the wonderful people you surround yourself with will not think any less of you. They want to know because they want to understand how they can best help and support you. But, most importantly, they want to know because they care.
I’m not saying you need to go out and tell everyone at once. Do what feels right, but don’t hide. You’re not hiding from them. You’re really only hiding from yourself and not taking advantage of all the love and support that you have.