Okay, so this was supposed to be a light and easy going type blog. The kind that makes you laugh. And maybe this post strays away from that aim just a tad too much. But, I promise I will do my best to throw at least a chuckle here and there in so that you don’t become utterly depressed. Because the definition of true should make you laugh and cry – hopefully tears from laughing!
What really is a “true” friend? We hear about them all the time, but what does it really mean? I think I know.
I am not the kind of person, nor have I ever been, that has a lot of friends. I like to think it is because I use a lot of discretion and have high standards for those that I let into my scary little world. But those of you – and if you are reading this I am sorry because you have been admitted – who have been admitted have been because you really are a true friend. But that is not the purpose of what I am writing today. Today’s purpose is to tell you about just one of those friends, my Miss Paige.
Paige and I met shortly before I moved to Chicago through a mutual friend. At the time we really didn’t think much of each other. I wasn’t really interested in meeting new people. And the others that I met through this friend definitely left something to be desired. And Paige, well, she took one look at me in my pearls – Ilina, I know you can relate to this – and thought to herself, “I will not be friends with some goody-goody who wears pearls every day of her life.”
For whatever reason, our initial opinions of each other didn’t matter. While we weren’t good friends, we did have fun at the local bars together. Strangely enough, I don’t think we became really good friends until after I moved to Chicago. And I think the turning point there was a completely drunken email I sent out after my last final exam my first semester of grad school. Sort of a strange bonding experience I admit, but, for us, it did the trick.
Ever since that time, Paige has been one of those people I am lucky enough to count as one of my true friends. I only see her about once every year to 2 years. Really just the odd occasion that I decide to get a haircut. I talk to her sporadically on the phone. She does not and never will email (her husband is the one who received the grad school email). Yet, whenever I do talk to her or see her, it seems like the last time I saw her or spoke to her was just yesterday.
Paige is one of the people who I know will always be there to help me fall off whatever the latest cliff is. She has always been there in the past. This includes lying to me by telling me that my wedding would be the only time in my life that I would have to wear make-up and I better wear it so I didn’t look like an ass in the photos. It was not the only time nor was it the last time I have had to wear make-up.
Well, this adventure has been no different. I was actually just a few months shy of making my regular phone call for a haircut. The one when she typically chops off all of my hair so that I can donate it to Locks of Love. But necessity drove me to make it earlier. So, on Friday morning over her coffee she heard me saying to her in a nonchalant voice, “I’m starting chemo today. All my hair is going to fall out so can you please give me a haircut?” Aren’t I a shit?
But she took it all in stride. By the time I showed back up at work I had a great new haircut and a wig to match the haircut. She opened the salon where she works on Labor Day so that I would be the only one in there and didn’t have to worry about seeing anyone I knew and possibly having to explain just what the hell I was doing this time.
Not only did she give me a haircut – my usual, once every year-and-a-half chop off – but she cut my new wig to match the haircut she had just given me. Next up? An eyebrow waxing. Her goal was to make as many changes as possible so that when I did have to begin wearing a wig, the slight differences wouldn’t be as noticeable.
Now, so as not to completely freak out Mac (my just turned 4-year-old daughter), we decided the best thing to do is to involve her in every step of the process, even though she probably had no clue what any of it meant. That meant that Mac came with us to get the wig and was part of both cuttings.
That was all fine and good until we went to Starbucks. All of Mac’s friends at Starbucks – because they really are her friends who only tolerate me because of her – told me how much they liked my new haircut. And they asked Mac what she thought of my new hair. Well, Mac didn’t consider my haircut my “new” hair. My “new” hair was what was sitting on the bathroom counter. So she proceeded to tell them all the facts. “This isn’t my mommy’s new hair. This is her old hair. Her new hair is in the bathroom at home.” Aren’t kids great!?
This week’s lesson: Your family and friends are there for you. Even those you might not put in the “true” friend category as I think of it from my introverted perspective. They want to help, in whatever way they can. Let them help. Accept their help. Rely on them.
And remember, you’re not just relying on them to help you. You are helping them, too. Chances are, they aren’t really sure how to help, what their best course of action is in supporting you. And remember, they are probably just as freaked out and scared as you are, for you. By accepting their help and support, you are allowing them to take an active role in your new adventure. Allowing them to do what they are able to help you.
Another important point, though. Help and support can come in all different shapes and sizes. For Paige, it was helping me feel almost beautiful, like myself. For others it may be phone calls or letters of support and love. Or soft, comfy new PJs to put on after your first chemo treatment (thank you Gywn, another true friend!). Maybe it’s babysitting so you and your husband can have a night out together, forgetting everything that is happening around you and escaping reality for a moment.
For others, though, and I remember my mom telling me this when she was diagnosed with cancer, not everyone has the capacity for handling the news that a family member or friend has cancer. Remember that it has nothing to do with how much they love you. Each and every one of them are still true friends. They do love you, but they are scared. Scared that they could lose their friend or family member; scared that this could happen to others or even themselves. And that’s okay. Trust me. You are still in their hearts. But they have to protect themselves, too. And being distant, while it maybe doesn’t feel that great in the moment, is what is best for both of you, and your relationship.